Harvey Nicks

Last year Alan got me the worst Christmas present ever, a voucher for Harvey Nicks. This place is a mecca for materialism and I had to pluck up courage to walk through it's hallowed doors.

It's the sort of place that makes you feel VERY poor unless of course you have oodles of the folding stuff.

It is frequented by the type of women who are thin (obviously) dressed beautifully (of course) look drop dead gorgeous (arrggh!) and are, of course toting "it" bags that they have paid a couple of grand for. I looked at them with narrowed eyes, hating them on the one hand and wanting to be like them on the other and it brings out the worst in me.

My voucher was of a value that quite honestly was just about enough to buy a quarter of a pair of shoes, or an eighth of a handbag or about 1/20th of a Stella McCartney dress. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse I saw Lesley Garrett going up the escalator....beam me up Scotty I don't belong here.

I had to go and look at the clothes, and I spied a gorgeous sequined top, which I had to touch, well the damn thing was so heavy it fell off the hanger - oh god! whilst I was scrabbling around trying to pick it up a well dressed assistant came to my aid. Apparently the "top" was a dress, (not with my thighs), and as I was trying to help, I knocked a pair of boots over , so causing a kerfuffle I retreated down to the cosmetics hall. The only place I think I could find something I could reasonably afford.

I walked round and round and finally got grabbed by what can only be described as a Spanish transvestite lookalikey who "did" my eyes. She baffled me with about 8 different products - like I have time to do all that crap and the school run and boy did these eyes water when she revealed the price! I didn't like her, she was pushy and I didn't want to buy, so I sneaked to another counter and bought almost the same thing.

So I am now the proud owner of a "cake" eyeliner and a small brush, oh and a larvelly Chanel lip gloss, if you see me, I look like the lead character in Kung Fu Panda......